Monday, January 02, 2006

(Very Old) Friends and Lovers

One of my oldest and dearest friends is back in our hometown for the week. I spent the better part of the day with him and his wife yesterday. It was nice to see the old haunts. His parents' house is the same. We looked at yearbooks and spent a lot of time refreshing each others' memories. I guess it has been about twenty years or so that we've been friends. I haven't seen him for about seven or eight years, but we do manage to keep a rough idea of what is going on via email.

Yesterday was the first time it hit me that I had impacted other people in High School. I ran with a fairly tight group, and the few people I was close with were extremely important to me. I always felt that I was not a significant portion of the group, that I was struggling to fit in even among those closest friends. I guess we all felt that way sometimes. It makes me wonder if I cross their minds anymore, because I know how much I think about them.

I came away from the whole experience a bit confused and a bit tormented. I love Kit, and I was extremely happy to see him. I also hated that period in my life a lot, and I apparently still have a few demons to drive out. I was very glad to be back home with Dennis. I know I belong here. I am very glad to see Kit happier and more stable than he ever was, and he didn't seem to be struggling too much with the experience of coming home.

I also found that I have my very own real life trick candle of an old flame. Here's the back story, which I wrote to Dennis in 2002:
We've actually got quite a long history. He moved to Litchfield in 7th grade. I had a big huge Junior High crush on him - he probably owes me $50 worth of soda! He's one of the reasons I learned so much about punk rock - I wanted to impress him, and the punk attitude was working for me at the time. Haha, I don't know if he has a clue how much he's impacted my life over the years :) He was one of the first "real people" I though about waaay back when I was just starting to figure out how my parts all worked - but he certainly doesn't know that! LOL - so through the years we'd make out off and on - we always hung out here and there. He lived right down the street from Kit, and they were buddies, so I saw him a lot over the summers. I would never let him have me though, cause I knew his game - which pissed him off to no end - I loved it :) When I was sad about breaking up with Ray, he gave me the sweetest kiss of my life - that was the first time I actually felt anything but pure lust for him or from him. He just held me for a while - which I really did NOT expect from him - it opened my eyes to the fact that he was a real person, not just a hormone collection area :) After Jim, we hung a lot, worked out great as friends with benefits. I raped him a few times, once that he can't even remember :-D We never got attached - just had sex and hung and chilled and were just buddies - oh, and smoked huge quantities of weed... He's a great friend - I still love him like that. I'll always love him like that.

I still have dreams about that boy. The place where I got the best kiss of my life is Kit's driveway. I stood there yesterday. I stopped at the grain bin where he spray painted his name. I feel like I'm back in junior high over him all over again. I thought about him for most of the drive home last night. It's blowing my mind a little - ok, a LOT!

I just had to dig up old pictures, and here's one of him, the last day of our senior year of High School:

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