Yesterday was the first time it hit me that I had impacted other people in High School. I ran with a fairly tight group, and the few people I was close with were extremely important to me. I always felt that I was not a significant portion of the group, that I was struggling to fit in even among those closest friends. I guess we all felt that way sometimes. It makes me wonder if I cross their minds anymore, because I know how much I think about them.
I came away from the whole experience a bit confused and a bit tormented. I love Kit, and I was extremely happy to see him. I also hated that period in my life a lot, and I apparently still have a few demons to drive out. I was very glad to be back home with Dennis. I know I belong here. I am very glad to see Kit happier and more stable than he ever was, and he didn't seem to be struggling too much with the experience of coming home.
I also found that I have my very own real life trick candle of an old flame. Here's the back story, which I wrote to Dennis in 2002:
We've actually got quite a long history. He moved to Litchfield in 7th grade. I had a big huge Junior High crush on him - he probably owes me $50 worth of soda! He's one of the reasons I learned so much about punk rock - I wanted to impress him, and the punk attitude was working for me at the time. Haha, I don't know if he has a clue how much he's impacted my life over the years :) He was one of the first "real people" I though about waaay back when I was just starting to figure out how my parts all worked - but he certainly doesn't know that! LOL - so through the years we'd make out off and on - we always hung out here and there. He lived right down the street from Kit, and they were buddies, so I saw him a lot over the summers. I would never let him have me though, cause I knew his game - which pissed him off to no end - I loved it :) When I was sad about breaking up with Ray, he gave me the sweetest kiss of my life - that was the first time I actually felt anything but pure lust for him or from him. He just held me for a while - which I really did NOT expect from him - it opened my eyes to the fact that he was a real person, not just a hormone collection area :) After Jim, we hung a lot, worked out great as friends with benefits. I raped him a few times, once that he can't even remember :-D We never got attached - just had sex and hung and chilled and were just buddies - oh, and smoked huge quantities of weed... He's a great friend - I still love him like that. I'll always love him like that.
I still have dreams about that boy. The place where I got the best kiss of my life is Kit's driveway. I stood there yesterday. I stopped at the grain bin where he spray painted his name. I feel like I'm back in junior high over him all over again. I thought about him for most of the drive home last night. It's blowing my mind a little - ok, a LOT!
I just had to dig up old pictures, and here's one of him, the last day of our senior year of High School: